New Hire

I work for a tour wholesaler that specializes in Central America. For the most part I love my job, even though it's chaotic, unorganized, and insanely busy. (Is that redundant?) I don't love my job for the work I do, I could crunch numbers anywhere. What I love about my job are the people I work with. We have four women (including Me, My Good Friend, Receptionist's Son's Baby Momma, and Sales Manager) and one man (Sales Manager's Baby Daddy) in one teeny tiny office. For example, I receive this in my inbox this morning. Everything referred to in this email is based on actual former employee conduct.

Enjoy!


From: [Sales Manager]
Sent: Friday, February 18, 2005 9:26 AM
To: [Company Name] staff
Subject: After long consideration.

Dear Friends,

After a long consideration, the [Company Name] business has exploded and we just cannot handle the business with our current staff.  We are rehiring an employee with experience, talent and expertise.  Although in the past, problems may have been faced with this employee, she has pulled it together and is ready to work.  

The new employee will begin on Monday.  We will re- position the office with [my claustrophobic good friend who hates the rehire with a passion]'s desk flipping around.  We will add a desk on the opposite side facing each other so that employee sharing can work well.  Also I think a [Company Name] camping trip will bring us all together.  I will let you know who your tentmate will be.

Some new procedures need to be put into place.

Rules:

1. If you have a face powder compact,  you must share it with the new employee. ("rehire" was a bit ocd and used to pick her face and then ask if she could use your expensive compact powder to cover up her oozing sores. she also liked sticking her post-restroom unwashed filthy fingers in your lipgloss without asking if she could use it first.)
2. If you have a problem with your spouse, you are allowed to scream at him in the office.  This will create understanding between employees regarding each others lives. (there's a reason why we called "rehire" Jerry Springer)
3. If you have a chair, please pee on it.  Then mix the chairs up. (we had an incontinent employee who refused to wear protective garments.)
4.  New IM procedure.  Please concentrate on IMing your friends. Maybe they will want to go to Costa Rica.
5.  All files need to be incomplete, scratched out and have coffee stains.  Samara needs to have some fun too. (i love fixing people's mistakes all day, i really do!)
6. Stress is always a factor with this  job.  I encourange you to bring crack to work.  At 9Am every morning, we will "Hit the Pipe".
7.  Please adhere to the new dress code.  Miniskirts- Half shirts-Candies heels ([Baby Daddy], you can wear sneakers).

I am extremely excited by all these new changes!!!  I cannot wait until Monday morning.   Have a SUPER weekend~!!

[Sales Manager]

It took my good friend halfway through the email to realize this was a joke, so watching her almost throw up on herself was priceless. We're so fucking fried from stress that we've lost our marbles. Baby Daddy sits at his desk and makes chicken noises when he hits his breaking point. We love to prod him until he snaps.